Wednesday What Herb Isn’t Herbal Today :( - How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons

For those who are a little slow on the uptake, this is humor…

In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...

• Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
• Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macramé) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other Witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
• Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
• Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behavior. Previously labeled eccentric behavior patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
• Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
• Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers...they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may
  have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work...join them!
• Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
• Rule # 8: Be Patronizing to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.
• Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions / recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

Sunday Surprise - The truth about those flying reindeer....

* The truth about those flying reindeer.... *
From Snopes

Did you know that one of Santa's eight reindeer was originally named Donder, not Donner? And that there is a good chance (although not 100%) that all of Santa's reindeer are female even if they have names that sound masculine? And that Rudolph was originally just a big commercial for Holiday greed? Yes, according to the Christmas Urban Legends page at snopes.com here is the truth about those reindeer...

The legend: One of Santa's eight reindeer was originally named Donder, not Donner.

The truth: The Santa legend had the jolly toy-bringer's sleigh pulled by a single unnamed reindeer until Clement C. Moore's poem "A Visit from Saint Nicholas" (first published in 1823) established that Santa had eight reindeer and gave them all names. The original version of the poem went as follows:

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

How, then, did the name 'Donder' become transformed into 'Donner'? There is some linguistic sense to opting for 'Donner' over 'Donder': Blitzen, the reindeer with whom Donder is generally paired, takes his name from the German word for 'lightning,' and the German word for 'thunder' is 'Donner.' ('Donder' is actually the Dutch word for thunder, but that connection is more likely due to coincidence than any intent on Moore's part.) However, the real culprit in The Great Reindeer Name Change appears to be the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." (see below for the scandalous truth about Rudolph). And btw, Donder has his own web page devoted to his Crusade to Restore His True Name.

Legend: There is a good chance that Santa's reindeer are female (even though so many of them have 'Boy' names)
The truth: In all the pictures of the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh the deer all have a full set of antlers. According to the University of Alaska's Reindeer Research Program Reindeer FAQ, it is true that only female reindeer retain their antlers much past the beginning of winter. (Reindeer and caribou are the only deer (Cervidae) where males, females, and calves produce antlers. Substantial growth of calf and female antler can be obtained with good nutrition. Some females can grow small shovels (eye-guards), normally grown only by bulls. Like other deer, reindeer shed their antlers annually. Bulls drop their antlers by January, and pregnant cows and calves retain theirs until spring. Normally, pregnant cows retain their antlers a week or so after calving for advantage over food resources. New antler growth in the spring and summer is nourished by a highly vascular covering called velvet which is shed in August. Bull antler hardens (ossifies) in June and cow antler in July.) The above facts being noted, it's not impossible that a male reindeer could retain his antlers as late as December 24, just rather unusual.

The Legend: The character 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' was created for the Montgomery Ward group of department stores as a way of selling Christmas merchandise.

The truth: Yup, Rudolph was basically born to be a commercial. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was created in 1939 by a copywriter named Robert L. May, who came up with a poem about a misfit reindeer at the request of his employer, Montgomery Ward, for a Christmas story they could use as a store promotion. The Rudolph phenomenon really took off, however, when May's brother-in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks, developed the lyrics and melody for a Rudolph song. Although the story of Rudolph is primarily known to us through the lyrics of the song, the story May wrote is substantially different in a number of ways. Rudolph was not one of Santa's reindeer (or the offspring of one of Santa's reindeer), and he did not live at the North Pole. Rudolph dwelled in an "ordinary" reindeer village elsewhere, and although he was taunted and laughed at for having a shiny red nose, he was not regarded by his parents as a shameful embarrassment. Rudolph was brought up in a loving household, and he was a responsible reindeer with a good self-image and sense of worth. Moreover, Rudolph did not rise to fame when Santa picked him out from the reindeer herd because of his shiny nose. Santa discovered the red-nosed reindeer quite by accident, when he noticed the glow emanating from Rudolph's room while delivering presents to Rudolph's house. Worried that the thickening fog -- already the cause of several accidents and delays -- would keep him from completing his Christmas Eve rounds, Santa tapped Rudolph to lead his team.

And there you have the truth about the reindeer <g>....

You Are Prancer

You are the perfect reindeer, with perfect hooves and perfect flying form. Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up. Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

 

 

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

Saturday Special Stones Will Return, Meanwhile, Martha Stewart's Pagan Yule...

Martha Stewart's Pagan Yule

December 1~ Bury turkey carcass from Thanksgiving under the Holy tree to thank the tree for the six bushels pruned to decorate the halls with. Draw pentagram in the dirt with silver dust to prevent pet She-Wolf from digging up the bones.

December 2~ Order 20 cases of Irish whiskey to be left for the Good Folk on Yule. Re-bury turkey carcass, re-do pentagram in gold dust.

December 3~ Draw pentagram on each sheet of toilet paper using silver marker for that festive holiday touch. Have staff re-roll the paper onto Victorian "crackers" for that surprise element. Re-bury carcass, consecrate concrete block, spray paint with gold and use as planter for poinsettia. Place over carcass.

December 4~ Take She-Wolf to vet for eating poinsettia. Send out telepathic party invitations to 200 witches, shaman, and druids for Yule party.

December 5~ Ex-mother in law's birthday. Send Victoria Secret's nightgown rubbed with stinging nettle. Begin receiving telepathic RCVP's for Yule party.

December 6~ Hand dip 365 gold candles for Yule party. Consecrate using Sacred Lady Martha of the Steward Clan Yule Oil - at a K-Mart near YOU! - Have staff clean up the mess. Pick Up She-Wolf at vets.

December 7~ Harvest herbs for the garden and and crochet 200 herb pillows for guests. Stuff with the microwave dried herbs.

December 8~ Have the staff get their arms tattooed with suns now so there will be time for the redness to disappear in time for the party. Have staff decorate the Yule Tree.

December 9~ Repaint Nativity Scene so figures represent Isis, Osiris, and Osiris. Re-bury turkey. Take She-wolf to the pound. Buy new wolf pup. Hire dog trainer.

December 10~ 11 Fly to Europe to grub for truffles. Pick up whiskey at the Irish distillery on the way back.

December 12~ Use Dremal tool to carve chalices out of quartz crystal balls for the party. Roll the hand dipped candles in the crystal dust to make them sparkle.

December 13 Coven meeting! Get symbolically pregnant by the HP during symbolic Great Rite ritual. Give hand forged athames as gifts to coven members.

December 14~ Get six foot Yule Log from the local land co-op. Decorate with holly, ivy and hand dipped candles rolled in the crystal dust.

December 15~ See herbalist for private itching that has been going on since last coven meeting. Burn all undergarments. Have factory send new ones in red and green.

December 16~ Daughter home from college. Send her to herbalist, too. Invite local fauna to graze on the front lawn for decoration and hang wreaths over their necks.

December 17~ Climb great oak and cut mistletoe using golden sickle. Leave hand cast silver coins at base in thanks. Burn sage now to cleanse house so the smell will be gone in time for the party. Pick up golden robe at dry cleaners and pack in lavender.

December 18~ Appear on Oprah to show my support for her coming out of the broom closet. Bake chocolate moon pies with banana cream filling, symbolic of the return of the sun. Bake "stained glass" Pentacle cookies.

December 19~ Bake brownies laced with valerian and give to fundamentalist neighbor. Butcher, gut and pluck 150 pheasants from the backyard coop and marinate in consecrated wine. Harvest wild rice from the paddy out back.

December 20~ Yule party. Carve sliced carrot to resemble miniature suns. Put red dye in the men's toilet tanks, green in the women's toilet tanks. Have staff do the cooking while I dress in my ceremonial robe. When guests and TV crew arrive, assume meditative pose.

December 21~ dawn - give birth to symbolic sun god on the dining room table as the guests and TV crew look on. After guests leave, collect empty whiskey bottles drunk by the Good Folk and recycle. Take a nap and dream of what I'll do for Imbolg.

Hee Hee..

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

 

Dear Red States...

Got this as an email forward, and felt an overwhelming need to share it here...<EG>

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

• You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
• We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
• We get the Statue of Liberty.
• You get Dollywood.
• We get Intel and Microsoft.
• You get WorldCom.
• We get Harvard.
• You get 'Ole Miss.
• We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
• You get Alabama.
• We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
• You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
• Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
  Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
• You get a bunch of single moms.
  

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

Thursday This Is You Spell - Spell To Free Oneself From Excessive Computer Enchantment

Spell To Free Oneself From Excessive Computer Enchantment

by Ian Lurking Bear

---

Many good folk have found themselves ensnared in a growing web of computer generated artifice and glamor. While computers are sometimes a useful tool, one must take care to have a healthy relationship with them. If you have found that they seem to be draining your time and energy away, or slowly invading your soul, then this spell is for you. If you are seeing pixels, icons, and dialog boxes in your dreams, it may already be too late, but give this spell a try anyway.

1. Seat your self comfortably in front of your computer, turn it on, and start one of your favorite programs. Light a candle somewhere in plain view. Non photo blue is the best color for the candle, though any color will do.
2. Breathe deeply in sets of five breaths until you feel light headed and jumpy. (Actually other numbers than five will work. It is important that the number be greater than three and NOT a power of two (2,4,8,16... etc) since computers are ruled by powers of two. Prime numbers work best, since computers have the least power over prime numbers, a basic principle of computer cryptography.) Squirm in your seat and giggle if you feel the need to do so.
3. Visualize a vast web of connection flowing through the computer screen to all the others who are on line, especially your on line friends and relations. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of them in this process.
4. You are now ready to employ the mantra for this working. The mantra comes from one of techno-culture's wise elders and prophets, Marshall McLuhan. It is as follows: "The medium is the message." Breathe deeply five times again and begin to do things on the computer. Chant "The medium is the message.", click the mouse or type a word, and chant the mantra again, until you have repeated the mantra five times. Focus on the image of the screen independent of any assigned meaning it may have. If may be helpful to set text on the screen to a nonsense font such as Symbol or Dingbats, if possible. Lean back and let your hands fall away from the keyboard or mouse while scrying into the screen. Be open to whatever messages it has for you.
5. Breath in sets of five again, and focus your attention at the candle flame. When you are ready, chant the mantra "The medium is the message." five times at the flame, pausing to breathe three times between each repeat. Relax, and continue to focus on the flame. Be open to whatever messages it has for you.
6. If you had trouble focusing on the candle flame due to distraction from the computer screen, or if you feel that this exercise has been ridiculous and ineffectual so far, you may wish to attempt the following visualization. If you are feeling relaxed and empowered at this stage, you *should* skip to the next step.
7. The visualization:Close your eyes and breath deeply to enter a trance state.Imagine a vast musty space such as the interior of a warehouse. Feel the air currents, smell the slightly stale air, hear the faint reverberations.You are flying through this vast space in the darkness on moth wings. Two glowing lights can be seen, and you fly toward one of them. The light is dazzling and flickering like the beating of your wings. It is colorful and dancing. You try to grow closer to this light, but a hard layer of glass holds you back. You beat against the glass desperately, seeking a way around it. Finally you fall back from it exhausted.You then see the other light again, and it is warm, sensuous, and undulating. You fly toward its friendlier glow. This new glow envelops and welcomes you until suddenly in a hot flash, it has engulfed you, and all sign of the previous flickering light is overwhelmed in a pulsating wave of ecstasy. The glowing light is all, and the heat unbearable.Then there is a sudden coolness and the light shatters into millions of stars in the blackness of space. Your ashes float through space until they start falling toward a beautiful blue green planet. You fall through its atmosphere and into the clouds. The clouds rain on the ground below and you are carried by the cool water into the rich welcoming earth where seeds sleep ready to burst forth in new growth. Realize that this earth is the same as the ground beneath you, and return to the room, opening your eyes if haven't already.Yes, if the simpler part of this spell doesn't seem to be working, really DO this visualization. Just reading it as a story will not have the same effect. If this doesn't shake your soul loose from the screen, you may wish to seek a friendly exorcist. In any case, continue to the next step.
8. Turn the computer off. A complete power down, including the monitor. Come on, you can do it. If any internal voices are telling you not to bother with this step, examine where they are coming from and what motivates them.
9. Return to the candle. Visualize a vast web of connection flowing from the candle flame to others you know, spanning across the earth. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of these others in this process. When you feel you have extended this visualization as far as is comfortable, pull slowly back to yourself and the room you are in.
10. Relax and meditate on what you have experienced so far for about five minutes. Even if all you have experienced is amusement or boredom, take note of this, and reflect upon it.
11. Get up and stretch thoroughly. Open a window or door to the outside, even if you have to walk a long way to do this, and offer a breath to the spirit of the wind. Look up to the sky, and down toward the earth. If any energy feels excessive, wound up, or nervous, let this flow down to the earth.
12. Cleansing afterward is recommended. A white sage smudge and/or a calming bath would help accomplish this, for example.
13. If you have experienced anything noteworthy, write about this, by hand, away from your computer.
14. Rinse, repeat as needed.

All rites reversed, copy this rite anywhere. To obtain the author's blessing for this, spin three times clockwise and tap a nearby piece of wood.Ian Lurking Bear, 1996Found on (in..? at..?) The Pagan Library

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

Thursday - This Is Your Spell: How To Change Someone Into A Frog...

Can a witch truly turn someone into a frog or toad? You know a little, green, wart-covered hoppy creature..? I'd have to say NO. Not physically. Yet the stereotypical witch is constantly threatening to do so, and cartoon & hollywood witches do it fairly regularly. Ahhhh the magic of make believe! No, we can't actually make a person become a little, green, wart-covered hoppy creature. But, a witch, using magic, can cause someone to start displaying the characteristics of a frog or toad. I don't remember where I got this, (if it came from YOU, please let me know so I can credit you), but it has been in my collection for quite some time :). I haven't yet had cause to use it, but you never know when something like this might come in handy *grin* Without further ado, here's how:

Image from TeachNETT 2000

How to change someone into a frog.

SUPPLIES
Four blue candles (represent water, the frog's home)
Incense (lotus or another flower incense is good)
A small aquarium or a clear glass bowl with a screen lid (you can use a cake rack)
Picture of the person to be turned into a frog
Bugs or mealworms (preferably alive)
One live frog
Catch a frog. Put the frog and a little water in the aquarium or bowl. Place the candles around the bowl and light them. Light the incense. Slip the picture face up under the container where it will absorb frog energy.

Stop laughing.

Stand facing east and say, "I call upon the spirits of the frogs from the lakes and ponds and swamps in the east to come and witness a birth of one of their own."
Face south, west, and north in turn and recite the words aloud again, substituting the proper direction into each incantation.

Stop laughing.

Now concentrate on the frog. See the frog's energy, and the picture under the glass. See the energy oozing from the frog into the picture, becoming the picture. See the person in the picture slowly changing until he (or she) takes on the form, habits, and personality of a frog.
Now take the picture and face the east, saying, "Frogs in the east, hear my voice! Behold! Another is born into the watery realm of your kingdom!" Repeat this affirmation for south, west and north, substituting the name of the proper direction each time.

Stop laughing.

Feed the bugs to the frog in thanks for his help. Take the frog back to where you caught him and free him. Send the picture to the person upon whom you have placed your spell and who now has frog habits. Send him pictures of frogs. He will dream of being in a swamp and
eating bugs. He will begin doing froggy things. He will get a reputation of being weird.

Now you can laugh....

Image from The Frog Princess

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

From the Grimoire of a Blond Witch

How to Turn Your Wardrobe Black

Needed:
Dark sunglasses
Late at night, close all the curtains and turn off all the lights. In your bedroom, open all your drawers and closet doors. Stand in the center of your bedroom with sunglasses in your hand. Close your eyes and say:

"Hocus bogus Color out of focus!"

Carefully put on your sunglasses and open your eyes. Your wardrobe should now appear black.
*PLEASE NOTE: This spell will only last as long as it is dark.

Giggle Fits

She may already be unintelligent but the giggle fits will rid her of the finer gents And bring to notice your wit and charm. When she is in plain view, spew:

"Giggle wiggle,

Start as a gentle tickle,

Down her ribs to her belly hollow.

Tickle harder and make her holler!"

Proper Hair Removal

If the razor burns and the waxing hurts and still the mustache prevails, then chant this spell that rids all of your woeful hairy ails.

"By dungeon dust
And oxen musk,
I so here decry!
My hairy lip
And legs to slip,
Smooth of pip,
And soft to thine eye."

Banishing Circles

Casting circles takes little effort for the well bred blond. Unfortunately, we are rarely told how to banish circles once they have set in. Covering circles with a foundation is highly discouraged because of the element of water which would make the circles reappear. To properly banish circles under the eyes, thinly slice an unused cucumber. Place a slice over both (two) eyes while lying down.
Chant:

"Ooooooo...
Ahhhh......
Mmm....."

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.

Friday Form A Circle - The Caffienated Cross

This was found at Bewitching Ways, one of the best sites around! :)

The Caffeinated Cross

(A Javacrucian Ritual)
-lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters. Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, titled "The Mystery of the StarBuck."
 

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
-- by Karl Lembke

 

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

 

"Latte"

 

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

 

"Mocha"

 

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

 

"Cappuccino"

 

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

 

Frappuccino"

 

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

 

Arabica, Oh man!

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
 

"Before me, Mrs Olson. 

Behind me, Juan Valdez

At my right hand M J B

At my left hand, the brothers Hills

 For about me swirls the coffee aroma

Within me sings the caffeine high"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like. To end the ritual, raise the mug to your lips one last time, facing East and intone:

 

"Goddess. . . I needed that!"

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader's personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.